


Strength in Numbers

by aquariuslester (geminidaniel)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Broken Bones, Closeted, Closeted Character, College, Crying, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Death Threats, Depressed Dan Howell, Derogatory Language, Dreams and Nightmares, Explicit Language, Fear, Fear of Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Bashing, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mild Smut, Near Death, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Violence, References to Depression, Sad Dan Howell, Sex, Smut, Teenagers, Threats, Threats of Violence, Violence, homophobic violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 14:03:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 13,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20292664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geminidaniel/pseuds/aquariuslester
Summary: "dan?""yes?""i'm scared.""i know. i am, too."





	1. Chapter 1

there was a time in dan howell's life in which he wasn't scared of anything. 

at this moment, walking home in the dark of midnight, he wished that time was still upon him. he never felt the need to worry back then, and he desperately craved that nonchalant attitude as he jumped at a squirrel scurrying through a pile of dried leaves when he walked through the grass. 

the squirrel hopped onto a tree trunk and watched dan's dark figure pass quickly past the tree. its claws scraped against the rough bark as it moved suspiciously back to the ground to resume hunting for food. 

his torso twitched as a gust of autumnal wind blew through his sweater. his eyes shifted slowly as his feet fell upon the concrete of his driveway. the knob turned and opened to reveal his mother's silhouette against the harsh light of the kitchen fan inside.

"i can't believe you. well, get inside quick before he sees that you're back." dan ducked quickly inside, flinching slightly at his mother's sudden movement to close the door swiftly behind his crumpled body. 

"god, you look horrible. go into the bathroom and i'll bring you a cold washcloth."

his heavy feet moved awkwardly onto the tile floor of the small bathroom. his fingers felt the rough, unpainted wall on his left for the light switch. upon finding it, he pushed the stiff switch up and waited for the light to turn on. 

when it did, his eyes stung with the artificial light. the busted lip stuck out like a sore thumb, but not as much as the black eye. 

soft footsteps move closer to him and his heart stops for a moment before he realizes it's his mother coming back with a washcloth. she wets the towel in the sink and rings it out and then pats it gently on his eye.

he winces and grits his teeth at the radical temperature change but soon gets used to it and smiled at her. 

"thanks, mom." 


	2. Chapter 2

dan woke up in a sweat and felt his eye. for a moment he didn't know where he was, until his eyes glazed over the oak bookshelves and dark corridors beyond them. 

how did he end up at the school library? 

he propped himself up on his hands on the slender couch at the front of the library and yawned. he saw a library aide looking over at him from the desk and they made eye contact before the boy went back to shuffling papers. 

how long had that aide been looking at him? dan was still bleary-eyed from waking up and his heart was still racing. there were footsteps to his left and he flinched when a pale hand touched his shoulder. 

"are you okay?" it was the library aide boy. his bright eyes pierced dan's deep brown ones. there was a long moment where they stared at each other, the boy's hand hovering lightly over dan's shoulder after seeing his reaction. dan didn't know how to answer. the boys never really broke eye contact as dan's mind started racing. there was a part of him that wanted to speak. he really wanted to. and yet there was something about the school's energy and student body that scared him. was this boy one of the bad ones?


	3. Chapter 3

dan's dream wasn't out of nowhere. and his fears about the aide weren't unfounded, either.

university. the time where you're supposed to make your friends for life. the time where you can party all night and do whatever you want. university was certainly the time for mistakes. dan made a mistake himself of coming out. certainly, his sexuality wasn't a mistake, but being openly gay in a conservative university was. the fear in his dream was nothing compared to his freshman year when that group of jock boys were trying to bash his door down, yelling slurs and death threats.

the day had been a bad one already. he woke up hungover and sick to his stomach. he was late to his criminal law lecture. and then he came back to his quiet hall to one of his new roommates struggling with moving a desk over against the wall by the door. 

"what the hell are you doing?"

"you didn't hear? the soccer boys heard about you."

he could feel his heart drop to his stomach. the roommate noticed the fear in his wide eyes. "i'm not sure something's gonna happen tonight, but it's never a bad idea to prepare just in case. i'm sorry."

she gave him a sad smile and stopped moving the desk to give him a hug. his body was rigid and she found it hard to wrap her arms around him when his arms were holding his textbook at his chest. she noticed his knuckles were white against the thick binding.

the rest of the day was somber. roommates came in and out throughout the day and no one stopped by his room. he never really liked keeping his door closed, but his mind was still racing. it was like he was back home again. it was like his dream. he felt so suffocated and scared. no, not scared. terrified. 

it’s impossible to describe the kind of fear dan was feeling. it wasn’t anxiety about a test you hadn’t studied for. it wasn’t like his arachnophobia. it was sharper. it was more painful. acute. that’s the word. 

when he heard pounding at the door he couldn’t tell whether his heart had gotten caught in his throat or if it sank to his stomach. 

then he didn’t know where he was. everything fell apart except for that door. that fucking door. those knocks. were they getting louder, or was that just him? 

_whack. whack. _

his desk started to tremble. out of the thumps came voices. 

“we know you’re in there, faggot! we’re gonna bash this fucking door in!”

dan was frozen.

”open the fucking door, faggot! we’re gonna kill you!”

the walls were trembling now. the door was going to give any second. 

he felt the sky coming down on him. he was in the middle of his room, but he felt every blow against the oak door outside. 

he felt like he was going to throw up. every part of his body was buzzing with pure fear. 

he heard a snap and some lower voices. he quickly came to his senses and he ran to hide in his closet. 

footsteps in the hall. footsteps at the door. the familiar creak of his door that he always associated with the day being over and him being safe. 

he tried to hold his breath but the stifling summer heat seeping into his stuffy closet was getting to him. could they hear him? was he that loud and obvious? 

when he heard the handle being turned and pulled, he almost puked. he grabbed a wire hanger and held it above his head, ready to bring it down full force on anyone who showed up. 

cool air flushed his skin as the doors opened slowly. 

“dan? are you in here? they’re gone. i-“

his shaking body hit the floor, the wire hanger still in his weak hand. 


	4. Chapter 4

needless to say, he never said anything about anything but girls the rest of his time in uni. here, staring into this pale boy’s eyes, he could tell he wasn’t one of them. 

his eyes were soft. his pupils darted around, dilating and widening as he searched dan’s beige features. dan noticed there was a small smile forming in his lips as he moved from his eyes to his tangled curls. he felt strangely calm. 

"are you okay?" he whispers now, his eyes smiling before his lips fully curved up. his hand moves down his arm gently and dan lets it happen. the boy's touch was so gentle and comforting that dan never wanted it to end. but it did. it had to.

in the same instant the boys connected, their eyes were shadowed in fear. they had read each other's mind and had the same thought. dan looked around for a moment and saw that no one had been paying attention to their exchange.

he grabbed the boy's hand and tugged him down the dark shelves and into a corner, dan's backs pressed against philosophy books. his eyes darted around once more to check again before he moved his face close to the library boy's.

their lips met gently. a part of it felt scandalous. but it also felt scary. dan's arms wrapped around the boy's neck and his fingers roamed his short black hair. he felt so vulnerable with his eyes closed. it made a pit form in his stomach and yet his heart felt light. 

he slowly pulled away enough to open his eyes. he had to stop at some point and get himself together. 

those pale eyes looked so pretty up close. the little specks of bright yellow lining the iris. the green enveloping and blending with the blue in the center.

"do you want to come to my place?"


	5. Chapter 5

"so what's your name?"

"phil," he responds as they cross the street towards dan's hall. 

"phil," dan repeats to himself. it was a good name. when they get to the door, dan moves in front of him. phil notices dan's hands are shaking as he fumbles for the key. 

the door creaks open and he grabs phil's hand again, dragging him as quickly as possible to his room. he slams the door behind him with his foot and wraps his arms around phil's neck again. 

his back was against the door and he felt phil's gentle fingers up his shirt. with every fingertip over his ribs, he felt goosebumps raise all over his skin. their lips pressed together with a different energy than in the philosophy aisle of the library. 

dan's lips fit on phil's like the last piece in a puzzle. phil moved his lips to dan's neck and he felt the younger boy's back tense before he started panting lightly and moving his fingers back to his dark hair. 

dan's breaths were short and mixed with light moans. phil took his time on dan's neck, sucking light marks on his light skin and smiling as he felt dan squirm. he pulled away for a moment to turn with dan and lay him on his bed. 

dan could feel the skin on the back of his neck raise as he saw phil undressing quickly. he began pulling his clothes off too and pulled phil's smooth skin down onto his chest.

a part of him wanted to stop it there to escape the inevitable guilt the next morning, but the other half of him didn't give a shit.

obviously, the second half took over.


	6. Chapter 6

dan fluttered his eyes open and yawned as his eyes stung in response to the harsh sunlight filtering through his window above his bed. phil was still asleep next to him. something about seeing phil's resting face on his pillow made his stomach sink into the springs of the mattress. he instinctively raised his head to look out of his window to see if anyone was there. his eyes were blinded again by the midday sunlight illuminating the campus. he almost just didn't look. but something made him want to check just in case.

it was almost like it wasn't a big deal. he almost let his eyes graze past without a second thought. but he didn't.

shadows. silhouettes against the light sky and blistering sun. not unusual to see students in the parking lot outside of dan's window. he really almost just turned his head and snuggled back into his duvet. _but he didn't_. 

they weren't moving. they weren't talking. he would hear them if they were. they weren't even facing each other. they were facing him.

he could barely see their faces, but the glint of the sun against a car windshield driving by lit up a side of a man's cheek. 

he felt his arms give out and he fell onto the pillows below him, narrowly missing hitting his head on the dusty windowsill. the sudden movement caused phil to stir and stretch under the covers. 

dan suddenly didn't want to be there. he didn't want to be around this stranger. he didn't want to be in the hall. he didn't want to be himself.

he went to look out of the window again and he froze. they were gone. they had vanished and the rest of the world had stayed the same. all of the same cars were still in the lot. the grass was still and dewy. hell, even the wind was blowing the same way. 

he looked around again, poking his head out of the window to see if they were hiding in his peripherals. they weren't there. 

dan felt sick to his stomach. he could feel his skin crawling. it felt like he was covered in spiders and he started scratching his skin. the itch wouldn't go away. he felt like he wanted to pull off his own skin and hide from it. 

he pushed himself off the bed and backed himself against the doors of his closet. he was still facing the sleeping boy he had just had sex with hours before. dan wanted to scream for him to get out and never come back, but he knew if he sent him out, he would be hurt too. he wanted so badly to scream at himself. he wanted to throw up all his emotions and tear off his clothes and his skin and he just wanted to leave.

he was so... guilty. 

his mind flashed back to when he debated sending phil out. and how he didn't. how he let himself be so careless and leave the windows open and let himself get lured by this library boy he had never seen before. 

someone was knocking at the door of the hall. his eyes grew wide. his body went through those motions again. the shaking, the breathlessness, the engulfing feeling of pure fear. 

and again, he hid in the closet.


	7. Chapter 7

phil woke up sore and hungry. he looked over to see a vacant spot next to him and he looked around in confusion. 

there was a knocking at the door that was incessant and intricate. he stumbled out of bed, grabbing his glasses on the way out. he opened the door to who he presumed to be one of dan's roommates. her hair was bright blonde and she smiled at him. 

"well hello stranger," she chuckled, pushing her way past him into the kitchen. "have fun last night?"

she went about making a bowl of cheap noodles while his cheeks reddened. "uh, y-yeah. sorry about... that."

"oh don't worry about it. it's common 'ere. it's nice to see dan getting intimate, 'innit?" She laughed lightly at her rhetorical question as she let tap water flow into a coffee mug for brewing. 

phil felt a bit uncomfortable with the statement and decided to stay silent. he ran his fingers through his messy hair as she looked back to him. 

"well then. how long?"

"uhm, excuse me?" he gulped and gripped a chair that he decided would be his crutch to brace himself for wherever this conversation was headed. his cheeks and ears glowed bright red on his pale skin.

she laughs again and he finds it almost annoying how often she laughs at him. "how long are you staying? dan's surely not keeping you around forever."

he gritted his teeth. she was so... _rude_. he took a deep breath and tried to stay polite. "well, speaking of, where _is_ he?"

"dunno. probably got scared at me banging the door down. he's weird like that." she whispers the last part before disappearing with a coffee cup in one hand and a bowl of noodles in the other. 

what does she mean? she _was_ sounding like she was trying to bash the door in to kill somebody, but it didn't scare him as much as annoy him. the hall was small. he couldn't see anywhere to hide, other than maybe outside. but dan wouldn't go outside, would he? well, there wasn't any harm in checking, any way. he should probably put some actual clothes on first.

his glasses slid down his nose as he bent down to pick up his scattered clothes. the room was almost silent. behind him, he heard slight movement between two doors. his closet?

as he bent down to pick up his belt, the left door opened and dan stumbled out. phil flinched slightly before turning towards him.

"well what on earth are you doing in there?"


	8. Chapter 8

"oh-i was just--" he ran his fingers through his dense curls and bit the inside of his cheek. he looked back at the open door and then back at phil.

"it's a long story. just--" he gulps and cranes his head to look out of his window. "is everything safe?"

"yes? why wouldn't they be?"

didn't he know? wasn't he subject to the same torture as dan was?

"well i--" he didn't want to explain it. if he explained it, he would will something bad into existence. and the last thing he wanted to do was make phil's life harder.

he sighed and shrugged, falling back onto his bed. he didn't want phil to worry. maybe those silhouettes _were_ just his imagination after all. phil smiled and laid down next to the brunette. 

"whatever you're worried about, i'm sure it's nothing too bad," phil murmurs, pulling dan close to him softly. dan smiles softly to himself and snuggles into phil's chest.

"you're cute. can we do this again some time?" dan whispers into phil's bare chest. 

"of course. don't you want to go on an actual _date_ if you're interested in me?"

dan genuinely forgets about the exterior threats he's been facing and hiding from his whole life for a moment and just breathes. 

"yeah. that would be nice. let's do that."


	9. Chapter 9

dan's phone buzzed with a text from phil as he looked anxiously around the front of the small diner across the street from the arts building of the university. he said he was in the parking lot.

his eyes couldn't help but dart around him at every movement. the birds flying above him and reflecting against the window to his left made him jump more than once. why did he agree to this?

_this is for phil_, he reminds himself.

he sees phil walk up to him on the concrete and smile. "hey," dan said quietly, his greeting barely audible over the sound of the busy parking lot to the restaurant.

"hi. how are you?"

"i'm good." dan couldn't focus on the conversation. his brain was so focused on every person behind phil. was that girl staring at them talking before she walked into the doors? did those boys pause to listen to their conversation before they left to their cars? another group of boys got out of a van. he looked away from phil's face and saw a few of the boys with school football jerseys and then he looked at their faces and recognized some of them.

"what's wrong, dan? are you okay?" he looks behind him and the boys stop walking towards the door. a car stopped and honked at them as they blocked the outlet. there were maybe twelve of them watching dan and phil on the sidewalk from the middle of the street. dan felt like crying. his throat was so tight he could only breathe out of his mouth. phil heard dan's labored, heavy breathing from behind him and turned around.

dan was panting and looked like he was about to faint or cry or both. the boys continued to stare until someone from inside the car got out to yell at the boys. they looked at the boys one more time before walking into the diner and getting out of the way of the car.

dan gripped the wall behind him for stability. phil was confused more than he was scared. why was he the last to know about this weird psychic connection with dan and those football boys? was it something bad? how long ago was this? 

"dan? do you want to go inside?"


	10. Chapter 10

"can we just, like, forget all that happened?" dan fiddled with the silverware in the napkin in front of him. he couldn't make eye contact with anyone, especially phil. 

phil watched dan's bowed head. he looked up over the booths and saw the boys at a side booth in the back of the restaurant in his peripherals. he really wanted to know what was going on, but he knew dan was uncomfortable. 

"can i get you guys something to drink?"

dan didn't move. phil smiled kindly at the waitress and said, "two waters, please."

she glanced at dan for a moment before tucking her pen and pad of paper into her pocket and leaving for the kitchen. 

"thanks," dan murmured into his chest. phil smiles and nods, even though he knows the younger can't see him. 

"you're welcome." it was quiet. phil could hear dan's breathing slow to a normal rate. even though everyone in the restaurant was loud, phil felt like he could hear a pin drop. all he could hear and focus on was dan.

dan's chest slowing down with his breathing. his curls resting on the table with his head down. the cowlick on the back of his head where all his curls started out straight. the little streaks of blonde in each curl that highlighted the shape of each thick curl.

everything felt okay. even if dan wasn't looking at him with those caramel eyes and adjusting the curls on his forehead every few sentences, it was still okay. he just liked dan near him. that boy that he had been monitoring while he slept on the lobby couch had really grown on him. he just felt like he wanted to know everything. 

what was his favorite food? his least favorite? what were his parents like? did he like dogs or cats? what was he studying at uni? what kind of shampoo did he use to make his hair so smooth and soft? and maybe, just maybe, what was the issue with the jocks?


	11. Chapter 11

the evening was pretty uneventful. dan kept his bowed most of the time, besides when he ate. he was still hesitant to meet phil's gaze after the rocky start to the night. it gave the both of them plenty of time to get in their heads about the other.

"i'm sorry," dan murmurs as phil finishes paying. for the first time, their eyes meet. 

"oh, it's okay! it was my idea to go out in the first place, so the least i could do was pay the bill. i mean i've always just f--"

"not about the bill. about... the start of everything. i'm sorry for being so annoying."

phil looks around and takes dan's hand and drags him to the hallway to the bathrooms.

"emotions are never annoying. i understand. whatever happened between you and them must have been a lot. i just want you to be comfortable and know you can always talk to me."

he gently squeezed dan's forearms as he spoke. his voice was so soft and dan was almost hypnotized by his whispers of praise and confirmation to him.

”do you want to go back to my place this time?” phil whispers with a smile. dan nods eagerly and turns to follow phil out of the hall and out the door. 

dan's hand is still clasped around phil's as he moves in front of phil to open the door to exit. the wind hits them from outside and as phil had almost fully passed through the doorway, he heard one of the boys in the back booths yelling.

"get out of here, fucking faggots!"


	12. Chapter 12

phil walked swiftly out of the door, letting go of dan's hand. he rushed to his car door in the dark and slammed the door shut as soon as he sat down in the driver's seat. dan was left stopped in the middle of the street. he didn't start the car until dan finally got into the passenger seat.

they were thinking about the same thing, and yet dan was scared again. phil was silent. the silence horrified dan and made his stomach sink again. phil was scary. he was so solemn and silent and dan felt himself space out immensely. dan felt like he didn't know who the man driving was. phil's hands were gripping the leather steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. dan felt like he couldn't breathe.

just like the feeling when the soccer boys were trying to bash his door in, this fear was hard to describe. if he was being perfectly honest, his mind was blank and he wasn't sure what was happening. what time was it? this stranger to his right had such a tense energy that made his throat tighten with every breath he took.

phil was hyperfocused on the road ahead of him. as he stared in the same point on the horizon, the sky and the dark neighborhood became one and the same in his periferals. he felt alone in every sense of the word in that moment. dan wasn't in the car. there were no other cars in the lane ahead of him or behind him. he was alone. not just alone, but singled out.

the car ride was tense and silent as phil pulled into his driveway. dan was unsure why phil followed through on the idea of them spending time together at the older boy's house after the sudden change in energy. as he went through that thought process, phil turned to him.

"hey, i'm... i'm sorry. this isn't... about you."

dan feels his eyes sting with salty tears. there was obviously a sense of relief that phil wasn't upset with him, but at the same time, he felt paranoid. how did he know the other boy wasn't lying to him to make him feel better? phil's eyes glazed over with confusion as he saw water balancing delicately on dan's bottom eyelids.

"th-those boys," phil whispered as if they were still in the vicinity of the jocks, "they said- they called us--"

dan hadn't heard the slur, but he assumed what the older boy was blabbering about. 

"oh. y-yeah. that's why i--" dan felt himself dissociating from the situation and he couldn't focus on completing his thought. his eyes glazed over fully and he wasn't there. he wasn't sure exactly _where_ he was, though. 

"dan?" phil murmured, putting his hand on the other boy's shoulder.

he heard phil's voice but had a hard time shaking the feeling of being zoned out. "yeah?"

"are you okay? do you wanna go inside?"

all dan could do was nod weakly and attempt a smile. phil opened the car door and waited until dan did the same before getting out fully.


	13. Chapter 13

the first thing dan did was sit on the couch. he was certainly still staring elsewhere, but he could feel it wearing off. phil was in the kitchen pouring dan some cool water.

"here, babe," phil mutters, handing him the tall glass before sitting down next to him. 

"huh?" dan responded more to the pet name than the act of kindness.

"water. drink up. you look flushed." phil put his hand to dan's face and felt his red cheeks with the back of his hand. dan leaned into the touch slightly and nodded, taking sips of the drink.

"why did you call me babe?" his voice was soft and he didn't make eye contact with the other boy as he asked. both of his hands were gripping the water glass tightly and his eyes were focused on a strip of hardwood making the floor.

phil laughs softly. "because--" _should he say it outright? would it sound too desperate or needy? is it too much?_

"because you're... you're my friend." _shit._

was that was dan was expecting? was that what phil expected to come out of his mouth? did either of them even have a definitive answer to those questions?

dan didn't react right away. he felt guilty. he felt guilty because his heart sank when the word "friend" came out of phil's mouth. he felt guilty because he wanted it to be something more. he felt guilty for being too gay. for being too hopeful. 


	14. Chapter 14

several weeks passed after the diner incident with both dan and phil pretending they both were just affable enough to be friends and nothing more. part of it was phil's misspeaking. most of it, however, was for safety. regardless of their friendship and, more importantly, their sleeping arrangements, they found it hard to be in public together. phil was still unnerved over the slur at the restaurant.

unlike dan, he had never been called that before. he obviously knew of the word, but hearing someone he didn't know say it directly to him was just... off-putting. he put two and two together while they were on a break from being in public about dan's interactions with the jocks. was that something that happened to him with them regularly? should he talk to him about that?

while those questions bounced around in his mind he found himself grabbing his phone and texting dan in hopes he would be feeling well enough to go out with him to a park or something. 

he says "well enough" because dan recently has been declining all of phil's offers to see him. he said he was sick. in a sense he was, so it wasn't really lying, right?

he _did_ feel sick, to his stomach more specifically. he found himself not eating and curling up under the covers in his bed for hours at a time. he wasn't really thinking of anything besides, well, _phil_.

he was scared of what they had. was it a friendship? a relationship? did phil _actually like_ him? his mind was clouded with paranoia. was phil only talking to him because he felt bad for him? did he actually want to spend time together? is this all just a big joke that will make everyone in school target him again? was phil being genuine?

congeniality and friendship are two different things. and love and fear were the only two things on dan's mind as his phone vibrated with a text notification from phil.

"hey. missed you a lot this week. wanted to know if we could maybe take a walk together or something."

dan wanted to say yes. he wanted to say yes and walk with him and go back to phil's house again without any tears or zoning out. he wanted to spend time with a boy that, for the first time in a long time, made him feel happy. but was this a joke? a setup? what if the jocks saw them together again? he found himself gritting his teeth as a tear fell down his cheek and shoving his phone under his pillow. 

he didn't want to go out. he didn't want to see phil. he never wanted to see phil again for as long as he went to university and as long as he lived. he felt dirty. his chest felt tight and he felt like even the lights in his room were judging him. 

he flipped a switch and his lights went out. 

he flipped another switch and his emotions went out.


	15. Chapter 15

phil waited hours for a response from dan with no luck. his heart fell a little more than he wanted it to. he'd just been... missing dan.

he felt so weird when he thought of dan. they met in the school library and ended up having a random hookup. he knew hardly anything about him, but he found himself drawn to the younger boy regardless. 

his hands were itching to text him or drive to his dorm or something. just something. was he asleep right now? was he asleep when he texted? was he phone dead? or did he really see phil's text and choose to ignore it?

he looked out of the window of his room at his car. it wasn't dark yet. he could still pull into the parking lot of dan's dorm and sweep him up and kiss his forehead. he would pull them into dan's soft comfy bed and snuggle under his white duvet. 

they would just forget everything. maybe if they held each other under the duvet the jocks would cease to exist. no one could hurt them. no slurs. no time where they couldn't be together. 

they could close their eyes and press their foreheads together and they would be on the beach. they would take pictures of each other. they would be wherever they wanted. they could travel around the world as much as they wanted and whenever they wanted.

he was stuck in a dream-like state imagining how easy it would be to curl up and forget everything wrong in the world. he wanted to think about an alternate universe where they could do all of that and live together and just be inseparable.

phil's mind was racing as he found himself putting his shoes on and sitting in the driver's seat of his car. he was really going to do it. he had to do it.

fuck it. maybe he was in love with dan howell, the law student in his university.


	16. Chapter 16

"dan? you okay in there?"

"yeah," he mumbled under his sheets, his eyes squeezed shut at the loud knocks and female voice. it had been hours since he heard sound.

"okay, love. gettin' indian takeaway if you want anythin'." he felt slightly more relaxed as he heard her footsteps grow distant. as he fluttered his eyes open for a moment to check the time on his phone, he faintly heard the hum of a car's engine pulling into the parking lot outside of his window. he saw the headlights on his wall above his door and almost just went back to closing his eyes. but that car sound just felt oddly familiar. the lights went off and he shrugged lightly as he let his head hit the pillow again. he felt himself drifting off into sleep. he yawned and snuggled into his pillows, curling up and pulling the duvet over his face as he began thinking of--

_knock! knock!_

his eyes shot open and he sat up suddenly. his heart was racing for a moment until he heard the roommate that had checked up on him earlier answering it. he heard a familiar male voice. _why was he here right now? i know i didn't text him. _she laughed lightly at something he said and he heard the door close and two pairs of footsteps near his door.

"dan! phil's here," she hollers at the boy's door, patting phil on the shoulder. "hope you can cheer him up. he hasn't left his room all day. wonder what's been going on," she whispers into phil's ear before walking down the hall to her room.

phil grips harshly onto the plastic wrap in his right hand and gulps before he reached for the knob with his left. he was nervously waiting with his hand on the golden doorknob. he really just felt like forgetting this spontaneous, adrenaline-driven choice and going home. he could get back in the car and leave dan in his room. would he be mad that he was there? would he be mad at what he brought him? was this whole thing too cheesy?

he just swallowed his fears and turned the knob and pushed the door open. it was so dark in his room he couldn't even see his own feet. dan was sitting on his bed, his curls messy and frizzy against the dim light of his open window.

"hey babe."

they both felt like time was in slow motion. dan's first thought was about what phil had in his hands. the darkness of the room was still disguising what it was. did he actually get him something? why was he here?

phil wanted to run forward and pull the boy into his arms. he could tell dan was upset over something and he wanted nothing more than to kiss him and look into his eyes and stroke his cheeks with his thumbs and tell him how much he loves him. did dan want that? at this point, they were both just staring at each other, unsure of what the other wanted and didn't want.

phil made the first move. he put his gift on dan's desk to his left and walked quickly over to him and pulled him up into his arms. dan snuggled his face into phil's pale neck and he felt the younger's breathing increase against his chest. phil's arms felt so warm and safe. he was scared of that feeling.

phil kicked his shoes off while still holding dan close and he felt tears on his skin where dan's face was. he moved a hand up to run his fingers through dan's short hair on the back of his head. phil moved slightly and kissed the top of his head.

even though dan was crying, he was silent. phil could only feel the heaves of his chest as he gasped for breath softly. 

he rubbed dan's back gently. "let it out baby. i'm here for you." dan muttered something unintelligible in response and tightened his grip on phil's torso, pulling him down into bed with him.

soon their legs were tangled and phil was planting little kisses on dan's forehead as he wiped his tears away with his thumbs and whispered how much he loved him.

it didn't mean to all come out like that at once. phil hadn't expected to see dan crying in his arms. to be honest, he expected dan to be angry with him for showing up out of nowhere without asking him. 

dan's sobs finally subsided and he blushed and hid his face in phil's arm. "i'm sorry," he sighs, avoiding the older boy's gaze. he felt ashamed for crying on phil for as long as he did. 

phil chuckled and moved his fingers through dan's curls. "don't be sorry. i'm glad you got your feelings out. don't ever be afraid to show emotion in front of me. we _are _fri-"

dan cut him off with a kiss. phil's eyes widened as he realized what was happening.

this kiss felt like their first. the hookup didn't count. this kiss felt... meaningful. it felt soft and gentle. it was chaste and short.

"i don't want to be friends," dan whispers, pressing his forehead to phil's. 

fuck it, maybe dan was in love with phil lester, the quiet librarian aide.


	17. Chapter 17

phil spent the night with dan. as they started to fall asleep, there was obviously still fear in dan's heart and mind. no matter how much he loved being with phil, he was still a victim of abuse and severe homophobia. those things wouldn't just go away as soon as he started getting serious with phil. in fact, he was scared that they would get worse. he hadn't come out to anyone besides his roommates. he was sure lots of people knew, but he had never said it out loud.

"phil?" dan opened his puffy eyes and looked up at phil's still face.

"yeah?" the older boy responded in a whisper, his eyes still closed.

"can you never leave?" his voice was soft and solemn as he snuggled into phil's chest.

phil chuckled softly, moving his head to kiss the top of dan's head. "that's awfully straightforward, isn't it baby?"

"yeah. i just... i'm scared."

the older boy opened his eyes and lifted dan's face to look into his eyes. "why are you scared? what is it?"

dan didn't even want to tell him. his words got stuck in his throat. _why was he scared?_ phil had seen his fear up close at the diner. he saw how the jocks stared at them. he heard what they yelled at them as they left in a hurry. for some reason, he just couldn't say it to someone else. that would make it true. just sleeping with phil made him guilty enough to want to vomit. having to say to someone 'they target me because i'm gay' made him sick with fear.

it was always something he had wanted to change about himself. why couldn't he be normal? why couldn't he just stop feeling like this? straight people didn't feel guilty when they slept with someone they were attracted to. straight people aren't targeted for just walking out holding their partner's hand. he found himself in a spiral of thoughts about how he deserved it.

"dan? you can talk to me. i know you're thinking about it. i'm here for you," phil whispered, bringing dan back to his wide, blue eyes. he felt his eyes fill with tears again. why couldn't he stop crying like a baby? he was nineteen, for christ's sake.

"i-i'm so scared, phil," he whispers hoarsely, his throat tightening sharply when he said the other boy's name.

phil's hands went straight to rubbing dan's back and shushing him softly. "it's okay baby. what's happening?"

dan shook his head and felt his chest moving with his sobs. he couldn't. if he told phil, it would become a reality. if he told phil, it would happen to him, too. he was so terrified. what did he drag phil into? i can't let anyone into my life without hurting them.

"dan," phil says firmly, lifting the boy's face to meet his gaze again. "you need to tell me what's wrong or i can't do anything about it."

the older boy's voice made dan shiver, half in fear and half in apprehension. he was right. he needed to tell him, but he was still scared. what if it made phil's life harder? he didn't want phil to worry about him. he deserved it. it was his fault they were targeting him. if he just hadn't come out, hadn't been gay, hadn't been--

"they're gonna kill me."


	18. Chapter 18

dan woke up with phil cradling him. his eyes ached and he could barely open them. his heart fluttered slightly when phil, still asleep, pulled him closer. 

he was so oblivious to everything happening in the outside world. it was just phil's presence. his heartbeat against his cheek. his steady breathing through his mouth onto dan's curls. the way phil's sleeping arms and hands wrapped around dan's waist.

dan snuggled his messy curls into phil's neck and held him close, letting the warmth of his chest lull him back to sleep. his eyes were closing slowly and as he sighed and relaxed, phil's arms pulled him in again and he felt his lips on his foreh--

"dan?" a female voice calls from his door. he flinches and his sudden movement jolts phil awake. 

the younger boy gets up lazily and stumbles over the door, opening it and closing it behind him.

-

"dan," she whispers, gripping his shoulders tightly.

his eyesight is blurry and he squints his eyes to try to detect the emotion on her face. her voice sounded like a mix between fear and concern. 

"what is it?" he rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands lazily, yawning quietly, waiting for her answer.

"dan. look at me," she murmured, moving his hands out of the way. "i'm worried."

dan quickly sobered up and looked at her. "what do you mean?" 

she reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a stack of folded papers. dan can already see the dark red ink bleeding through the paper and a lump forms in his throat. 

"found these this morning shoved under the door. there has to be hundreds still out in the living room and shoved into the door cracks. i already tried to look through them. they're just... i'm scared."

he picks out a few and opens them to thick dark font. was that marker or blood? he touched it and it felt sticky. he shivered subconsciously. _is that fucking blood?_ he still wasn't even focusing on the writing.

"WE ARE COMING FAGGOTS"

it was like something out of a cheesy horror movie. but every single note had a variation of that phrase. he pushed her aside lightly and leaned over to see the open door covered in this red... _ink_ and the floor littered with an infinite amount of letters. 

his legs were shaking at this point. _phil was here. they're going to go after phil, too._

dan's chest heaved with anxious breathing and he felt sick to his stomach. they could literally be anywhere. _anywhere_.

"dan, are you okay?" his roommate asks, reaching her arms out to take the notes from his trembling hands. all she saw was a swaying ghost. it was like someone had sucked all the color from his cheeks and skin like a vampire.


	19. Chapter 19

he wasn't exactly sure what to do. there was a part of him that felt... _responsible_ for this, obviously. he really wanted to close his eyes and imagine that this wasn't happening. he just ruined everything. he ruined his life, and more importantly, phil's life. he was zoning out as he stumbled into his room, seeing phil sitting up on the bed and staring at him.

"what is it?"

dan was swaying, his vision blurry with tears and his head clouded with fear. he still felt so incredibly nauseous and out of breath.

"dan? are you okay?" phil gets out of his bed and reaches out for dan's weakening body. dan sees his vision fading out and he faints into phil's arms. 

"dan?"

his roommate walks into his room, seeing dan in phil's arms. "is he okay? are you okay?"

"he never told me what happened. what's going on?" phil's eyes were filled with concern as he alternated his vision between the blonde girl and dan's resting face under him. she sighed and nodded.

"well, it's a long story but these b--" as she tries to explain, her soft voice is rudely interrupted by intense banging on the front door of the hall. all three of them jumped as dan regained consciousness purely out of survival. he was breathing fast and tears started falling from his eyes before he could even realize it. phil's fingertips feel goosebumps rise on dan's arms.

"oh my fucking god," he whispers through sobs. phil looks down at his face and then looked at the girl, now up on her feet and peeking out into the hallway. the door continued to bang and the windows started shuddering and creaking. any affable energy in the whole hall evaporated.

time felt like it stopped. the few seconds after dan woke up felt like minutes. dan's roommate hiding behind his door as she checks the front doors and windows as they shake with the whole building. dan's body collapsed on phil's chest. phil lifted dan's head and looked into empty, zoned out eyes. dan had stopped blinking a while ago and tears continued to fall from his eyelids. it was like he was fully out of it. he wasn't there mentally or emotionally.

"dan? are you okay?" he whispered, wiping the boy's tears the same way he did the night before. dan wasn't coming back. he tried to speak to dan again, but flinched when he heard a more severe boom from outside. _was that a--?_

she slammed the door shut and fell to the carpet. she turned towards the boys on her level. "we need to hide. we need to get out of here. we need to call the police."

phil could see her arms shaking as she tried to crawl over to them. dan was fully dissociated at that point. _BOOM. BOOM._

she squealed as they heard glass shatter in the lounge area. she reached her trembling hand out to phil. "give me your phone."

he tossed it to her as he tried to comfort dan by running his fingers through his curls. she carefully dialed 999 and held the phone to her ear. she heard boys yelling slurs outside and a tear slid down her cheek. "h-hello, police?" her breathing increased rapidly as she heard another gunshot. "w-we need help. we're being attacked. manchester university. i-it’s urgent.”

she sobbed silently as she listened to the person on the other side of the phone. 

“how quickly can you be here?” _BOOM_. “p-please come quick.” 

“come out faggots!” _BOOM_. they all heard something splinter. it wasn’t glass. it was the door.

the boys hollered outside and started kicking the door in. phil’s stomach fell to the carpet and he found himself dragging dan’s loose body over to his bed. 

“dan,” he whispered, staring into his glazed eyes, “you need to lay under your bed. try to make yourself as small as possible in the center.”


	20. Chapter 20

dan was curled up as much as he could tightly under his cramped bed. his hot breath was pushing back against his face against the stark fabric around him. there was still a lot of noise outside that started to filter inside as the jocks busted the door in, but in his little hiding place it felt strangely quiet. he could hear the blood rushing to his head and face, and he could hear his hair against the carpet that used fo feel so soft under his feet, but scratched his cheek as he pressed his face against it.

everything felt so contrasting to even 30 minutes before this vulnerable moment. where was phil right now? part of dan wanted to peek his head out to make sure phil was okay.

phil wondered the same as he pushed his way, as quietly as possible, into a dark corner of dan's crowded closet. it certainly wasn't the best hiding place from gun-wielding muscular athletes, but at least it was a hiding spot. phil's ears were constantly ringing with loud bangs, quite the contrast from dan's cramped place to lay and reflect.

both boys had no idea where dan's roommate that had been helping them went, but she did throw his phone at the closet. he grabbed it up and shoved it into his pocket, putting his hand over his mouth to stifle his breathing. he wasn't religious by any means, but he shut his eyes and prayed to every god he knew that the police would get there before the boys entered dan's room.

he heard the jocks chattering behind his head through the thin walls. they shattered plates and did their best to destroy the couches and dining table along the way. _at least they aren't using their guns_, phil thought in the hope of being optimistic.

as he thought that, one of the jocks yelled, "here we come faggots! we're gonna fucking kill you!"

phil started panting, the reality of the situation dawning on him and his fear heightening as he still didn't hear sirens from any direction.

_click. thud. thud. _

a rotation of the metal doorknob. that's all it takes. they were so _close_ to their targets. phil's heart was pounding so loud in his own ears that he put his hand over his chest to try to stop the quickened beating from giving him away.

what were they going to do? did they really plan on killing dan and himself? as he tried to slow his breathing, he thought about dan. was he okay down there? was that spot safe enough? did he just put the boy he loved in danger by hiding him there? was it too obvious?

where was the police the girl called? phil felt like it had been hours of waiting for someone to find him.

the door creaked open quickly, the knob slamming against the wall behind it. 

they were inside.


	21. Chapter 21

there were probably around fifteen boys in dan's hall at that time. a few were still in the lounge, grabbing whatever they could to break or steal. the rest were in dan's cramped room as they tried their best to move past each other to look around and knock stuff over. 

with every snicker, with every loud sound, phil tried his best to push himself deeper into his angular hiding place. dan's room was so small, phil could hear the boys as if they were right next to him. he looked around desperately in an attempt to find something he could use as a weapon if they got to him.

he gripped a wooden hanger and carefully took it off the pole above his head to make sure it made no sound. as he positioned it above his head, much like dan did when he hid in that very same spot months before for the first time, he heard sirens in the distance.

he felt his chest begin to heave with relief before he caught himself from giving away his hiding spot. the boys in the room still hadn't found anything because phil hadn't heard them yell. he wasn't even sure if they had heard the sirens.

obviously they hadn't, because phil's vision was suddenly flooded with light and the silhouettes of muscular boys. the clothing hanger came down hard on one of the boy's heads and he yelled in pain, falling to the ground. the others see him fall and rush over to phil, roughly pulling him out of the dark corner. phil's first fear was getting shot. he felt their guns against his ribs and stomach. 

the sirens were still so far away. he felt the wind knocked out of him as a knee was shoved into his stomach that made him collapse. he yelled out and whimpered as he felt something crack in his ribs. steel-toed boots connected with his skin and head, making phil's vision blurry and splotchy. he began dry-heaving, his body burning with pain, and he felt warm liquid flying out of his mouth.

it was blood.

the police pulled into the parking lot in the most obvious way, siren blaring and lights flashing. the jocks recognized the situation immediately and discarded phil's crumpled body to try to run through the destroyed front door before the police arrived.

phil was fading in and out of consciousness as he heard the police yelling at the students and running after them. 


	22. Chapter 22

dan was sobbing under the bed. he was watching phil heaving up blood and wheezing softly. he crawled out from under the bed and cried harder.

"hello? are you okay?" a police officer peeked his head around the corner of dan's room to see both boys crumpled on the floor. dan was suffocating on his words.

"h-we-he--" his throat tightened with every attempt to think about what just happened. he wanted to refer to it as surreal, but that word had such a previously positive meaning to him. it wasn't surreal, it was... a dream? no. it was a nightmare.

phil had stopped dry-heaving blood and he was curled up on the floor clutching his chest. the police officer rushed to them and said something into his two-way radio. phil had basically passed out from blood loss at that point and dan was hysterical to say the least.

dan saw another set of sirens and lights pull into the parking lot by his window. he felt weak and sick to his stomach. he couldn't tell if he wanted to scream or just sit in silence.

"sir, we're taking the both of you to hospital. please come with me, the paramedics will be coming in to take him out as well. do you mind if i ask you a few questions about him while they take him out?"

\---

"phil? last name?"

"lester."

dan's answers were brief and blunt. he felt himself slipping into that dissociation space, where he couldn't feel anything.

"what is his relation to you?"

"we um..." he found himself looking down at his bare feet on the pavement outside of the destroyed hall door. he didn't want to answer that. he could hardly admit to himself that phil and him were more than friends, let alone this policeman. what if he agreed with the jocks? he would leave them to die in the hall.

"can we not talk about that? we just... we were friends. okay?"

the policeman looked at dan for a moment before writing something in his notebook and then stuck the pen in his back pocket as the paramedics wheeled phil out of the shattered wood as carefully as possible. they rushed behind dan and lifted the metal bed and legs into the large white doors.

"let's get you both to hospital, okay? they'll take good care of you. promise."


	23. Chapter 23

_it was my fault. it was my fucking fault._

_if i hadn't cried like a baby to him. if i hadn't been so careless. if i hadn't bothered phil in the first place._

_if i hadn't acted like such a faggot._

_i'm such a faggot. a fucking disgusting piece of shit._

\---

knock. knock.

"mr. howell, are you okay in there?"

he was on the bathroom floor, slumped against the toilet seat. he couldn't smell anything except that acrid, bitter liquid in the toilet he had just finished heaving up.

"i'm... fine," he croaked. his body shook for a moment before he vomited into the hospital toilet again.

he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and saw his hand shaking with fatigue. _how long had he been here? why was he doing this?_

he just wanted to get everything out. all his shame from what he put phil through. all his guilt about phil's injuries. all his disgust with himself. was this enough? was this enough punishment for him? he still wanted to see phil and visit him, but he had no idea how long it had been since he went into the bathroom in the first place.

"i-i'm okay. you can go back to work, i'll be out in a minute." he slowly pushed himself up to a standing position with the help of the toilet seat and paused before he flushed the toilet and waited until he heard the man's footsteps fade away. he unlocked the door with a click and stepped out, his legs wobbling, to the sink and mirror. 

he washed his hands slowly and looked at his reflection. his eyes were bloodshot and he saw little spots in his cheeks where blood vessels burst under the skin. his throat burned and stung as he swallowed slowly. he smiled at his smudged face in the mirror and ran his damp fingers through his curls before turning and leaving the bathroom.

he should check up on phil.


	24. Chapter 24

"mr. lester is currently out for an x-ray, but i can tell you when he's back, if you'd like," the nurse said cheerfully. dan stared at her until her smile faded.

"can i at least sit in his room?"

she pauses. "uh... sure. i guess that's... okay." she was obviously taken aback from his question. he just smiles like she did and nods.

the keys at her hip jingle as she grabs one and unlocks the door. "i'll come in from time to time to check on you and give you updates, okay?"

"thank you," he mutters, sitting down and laying back, his eyes closed.

\---

phil was back. he was coughing. he was heaving. he was vomiting blood. dan was staring at him but he couldn't see him.

dan blinked and the sheets were deep red. phil had stopped vomiting, but his bed shook with every convulsion as he choked on the very thing that gave him life.

dan blinked again and everything in the room was red. phil was silent and stopped moving. it was so quiet without his retching. too quiet. dan turned to the door and it was shattered just like his hall's. his breath picked up significantly as his eyes darted around in fear and suspicion. no one was in the hospital. he stood up slowly and almost slipped. the whole floor was covered in blood. he moved slowly to avoid falling into the red pool below his shoes. the wooden doors were blown to exaggerated splinters that stared into dan's bloodshot eyes.

the tips of the split wood were also drenched in blood, as if people had been impaled on them. dan took a last look back at phil's limp body before tiptoeing out of the room, stepping over the remnants of the doors to a stark white hallway. his shoes were still covered in blood and left deep marks behind him with every step. 

the whole hall was lined with windows. as dan walked out further, he began seeing figures popping into the frames through his peripheral vision. his stomach instinctively sank and he started speeding up. he was almost running when he heard such a hauntingly familiar and distressing sound from somewhere behind him. 

_click._

sharp and cold. metallic. not readily startling to anyone but dan. and now phil, too.

without control, he started sobbing quietly. 

"please, please, please don't," dan whispered, his voice shaking. "not-not both of us... please."

there was a tense silence where only dan's desperate sobs were heard throughout the extended hall. the suspension was killing him.

"too late, faggot," he finally heard as he slumped his head and let out one last sob. it was over.


	25. Chapter 25

dan felt a sharp pain in the back of his head and jolted awake. his chest was still heaving with sighs and phantom sobs. 

"phil?"

"y-yeah babe?"

the voice was unfamiliar. it was too raspy and strained. but it still sounded weirdly comforting.

dan sat up to see phil in bed hooked up to an iv and heart rate monitor. 

"a-are you okay? i'm so sorry. i feel responsi-"

"don't apologize to me, baby. it wasn't you."

_it wasn't you._

"but if i had just--"

"dan." phil's voice was firm despite the raspiness. dan shrunk in his seat and looked at phil.

"you can't blame yourself. you just can't. there was nothing you could have done. i'm just thankful you're okay."

at that point, dan felt tears tugging at his eyelashes and he blinked to let them fall. guilt was boiling within dan. _phil didn't deserve this. he's too nice. dan was just selfish. that must be what it is. dan's just too selfish._

"don't cry, baby. i'm not beat up that bad. just a broken rib and some bruises. they're gonna fix it."

even in phil's time of need, he was helping dan. dan felt so fucking selfish. he felt like he was taking all the attention away from phil. phil's the one in the hospital and dan's acting like it was him in that bed. it just wasn't right. phil didn't deserve it. it should be dan in the hospital. they were going after dan and they got phil. 

"i'm sorry. i dragged you into all of this. it _is_ my fault. i feel like i've been demanding too much attention."

phil sat up in slight surprise and furrowed his brows. dan started to stand up and turned to leave when phil said, 

"who talked to who again?"

dan stopped and shut his eyes with a defeated sigh. sure phil talked to him first, but dan was the reason he had a broken rib right now. dan was the reason they were in this hospital. dan was the reason phil was hooked up to all those devices.

"babe. i promise it's not you. i should be out tomorrow evening and then we can go to my house. _promise_."


	26. Chapter 26

"dan? can you come pick me up?"

"you're free to go? are you sure?"

"do you want me to put the doctor on the phone, babe?" phil giggled. "i'll be at the front benches waiting."

dan rolled out of bed. he was staying in phil's house off-campus for now because his room was still being cleaned and investigated. he stretched his legs and back and stumbled over to grab his shoes. the laces were still untied as he rushed out to his car and started the engine. "on my way," he sent to phil was he started driving over to the hospital.

he pulled in next to the red curb as he waited for phil. he saw the way he sat and moved rigidly from his rib. he still felt a small pang of guilt.

"hi baby," he said cheerfully, clamboring in as quickly as he could and kissing dan on the cheek. "just wake up?" he giggled, his tongue sticking out through his teeth. 

dan smiled and felt his cheeks redden as he drove back to phil's house. "are you feeling any better?" he asked, laughing off phil's joke. 

the other boy nodded, laying his head back against the top of the passenger seat. dan could tell he was smiling to himself with the way he was speaking.

"pretty good. i'm just happy to go home and have you there, too. i really missed me cuddling you, you know."

dan's cheeks flared up again, his hands gripping the steering wheel tighter to keep his mind on the road, not on anything good or bad to do with phil right now. "you know i missed you too," he murmured, pulling into the driveway and looking over at phil.

"i missed you a lot." dan's tone got serious and he looked at phil through his eyelashes. he unbuckled his seatbelt and faced the boy next to him. "i'm sorry. i just couldn't stop thinking about what happened. i was scared to be home alone."

phil nodded, leaning forward and kissing dan softly. he presses their foreheads together and looks into dan's caramel eyes drowning in careful anticipation. "you don't have to worry any more baby. i'll protect us. _promise_."

"why do you keep promising me things?" dan whispers, feeling tears in his eyes. "no one promises me anything."

"that's why. i want nothing more than to show you that you can trust me. i'll never hurt you."

"promise?"

"promise."


	27. Chapter 27

phil shut the front door softly behind him and kicked off his shoes as he watched dan do the same. dan's back was to him, but he could tell exactly what he was doing by his light, stifled breaths. 

he walked up behind him and gently wrapped his arms around dan's waist. "don't cry baby. i hate seeing you sad."

dan's hands come up to wipe the wetness from his cheeks and he nods softly, sniffling. "i just... all this is so _scary_ to me."

phil loosens his grip slowly and nods before his arms are back at his sides. "i understand. we can take it... slower if you want." his voice was calm and comforting and it made dan even more frightened. 

frightened wasn't the word. neither was 'scared,' to be honest.

he was paranoid.

what if phil was toying with him? he was still paranoid that phil wasn't really attracted to him. why wasn't he leaving him yet? it was hard for him to _not_ be paranoid.

it wasn't like he'd never been in a relationship. it wasn't like he'd never been in a relationship _with a guy._ but none of them treated him like phil did. no one cared about him and stuck with him for this long already. dan wasn't used to this attention. he never even got this attention from his parents.

it was his father that first told him that he would never be loved as a gay man. he stared into his eyes for what felt like hours before his mouth opened and said he was disgusting. the way the words left his father's mouth made his younger self want to vomit. the feeling was similar to what happened when he woke up with phil next to him in his bed. he wanted to crawl out of his skin and hide from the world. what made him hate himself the most in that moment was that he believed his good-for-nothing father. he believed his drunken father that beat him every night. the one that never paid attention to dan's schoolwork or hobbies. in fact, he _hated_ dan's hobbies. he never does those things anymore. what even were his hobbies back then?

he shook his head vehemently to shake off those memories. and phil looked at him as he slowly drifted back down to reality.

would he ever be loved?


	28. Chapter 28

skin.

eyes.

color.

sleep.

black.

white.

gray.

voices.

silence.

silence.

silence.

"phil?"

"yeah, babe?"

"where are you?"

"right next to you."

dan turns his body and feels phil's soft skin. he curls up into a compact ball against the other boy's chest and felt comforted as his arm wrapped around his back.

"phil, i'm scared."

"don't worry. i'm here so you don't have to be scared."

dan smiled softly and closed his eyes softly. he felt phil's lips on his head giving him a tender kiss before he pulled his covers over dan's still body.

as soon as phil heard dan's small breaths indicating he was asleep, he let a smile creep onto his lips. there was something so charming about that boy. he went to go back to looking at his phone when he felt dan's warm body nuzzle closer into his chest.

a dangerous thought crossed his mind.


	29. Chapter 29

"phil, where the hell are you taking me? aren't you the one i should be driving around?"

at the best of times, phil was a mediocre driver. with a cracked rib, it was far worse.

"phil, you're about to crash the bloody car," dan groaned, holding onto the handle on the roof for safety. "where even are we? we've been driving for almost a half-hour now and it's nearly 10 pm."

"you'll see," phil mumbled, trying his best to answer coherently and not crash dan's car at the same time.

dan watched phil swerve on the road slightly until he pulled into a parking lot.

"you're taking me to a _paper supply company_?" dan replied, looking around. phil laughed and shook his head.

"of course not. this is just a place to park so you don't know where we're going," phil chuckles, getting out of the driver's seat stiffly. he locks the car and grabs dan's hand, walking quickly and dragging the other boy by the hand.

"slow down," dan giggled, stumbling along behind phil. dan squinted through the growing darkness to see a ferris wheel. _the manchester eye?_

phil stops at the base of the eye, finally turning around to look at dan. "i wanted to take you here. y'know, for taking care of me and everything."

"phil you don't have to--" as dan tried to stop phil from doing something nice for him, phil whisked him onto one of the booths and the attendant shut the door on them. dan was speechless. he looked over at phil's grinning face. "what's that look for, baby? i can't do something to thank you?"

the booth started to move up slowly, and dan was still holding phil's hand as they both looked out on the blinking city below them. something felt right about that moment, dan thought. it was scary, but also exhilarating. phil squeezed dan's hand softly and the younger boy's head turned to look at those ocean eyes that lured him into that library aide's world in the first place.

"how are you doing? are you feeling okay with all of this?" phil whispered, his eyes flashing with genuine concern and care.

and with that single utterance, dan leaned forward and pressed his lips against phil's.


	30. Chapter 30

phil's first emotion was surprise. dan's hand was moving to phil's knee, then to his thigh.

their lips parted for a quick moment, allowing both of them to look into each other's eyes. phil held the back of dan's head gently and pressed their foreheads together.

obviously, this wasn't the first time they had kissed. but this time, something felt real. dan's head was spinning slightly as he continued to lock eyes with the dilating orbs in front of his vision. he wasn't sure if he was feeling the wheel moving or if it was his head spinning with anxiety and uncertainty.

for a moment, all he was thinking about was phil's eyes. everything in his world was phil. his jeans that felt strangely rough against his palms compared to phil's smooth skin. his pupils dilating and moving around dan's face that softly diffused from navy to sky blue as it moved out from the middle. the way phil's lips had felt against his as they kissed gently. the sky was the color of phil's cheeks as the sun was reluctantly setting.

"i love you."

it wasn't clear who said it first, because it sounded like they said it at the exact same time. the boys both giggled and felt their cheeks get red as they realized what just happened.

they feel the wheel slow to a stop and then they were pulling away from each other to get out of the metal booth. dan had completely forgot about everything that happened before they were in the car driving over to the wheel in the first place. instinctively, he grabbed phil's hand and pulled himself closer to his shoulder as they walked back to the car. phil smiled and looked down at him.

"how are you feeling baby?" the older one asked, laughing lightly as he squeezed the younger boy's hand.

"happy," dan murmured as he rested his head on the other's shoulder and looked up at his face. "very happy."

"good. i'm glad baby boy," he responds, kissing his head gently and handing dan the keys.

"now you have to drive me back," phil laughs.


	31. Chapter 31

dan was obviously much better at driving than phil, and they got home in minutes. his heart was still pounding and his stomach was fluttering.

he wasn't used to that feeling. what that love? he did say he loved phil, but it was still kind of scary. that was such a new feeling.

"let's go inside, babe," dan said softly, the pet name still feeling weird and clunky in his mouth.

phil smiled and nodded, getting out stiffly and opening the door for them both.

as soon as the door closed, dan's arms were wrapped as tightly as he could around phil's neck. he burrowed his face into his shoulder and breathed in the smell of his clean shirt. phil's arms instantly followed dan's to wrap around the smaller boy's waist. for a moment, they just enjoyed each other's warmth. it felt right for them to be holding each other like this.

phil was disappointed that he had missed out on this feeling for the amount of time the two had spent together. dan was disappointed that he hadn't given in to this feeling sooner out of fear. was he still uneasy about their relationship outside of phil's cozy flat? of course he was. but at the same time, he felt more happy and content in this moment than he had with anyone in his life.

"hey dan?"

"yeah?" came the muffled response.

"i love you."

"i love you, too phil."


	32. Chapter 32

the brisk autumnal wind that blew dried out leaves off of trees was in sharp contrast with the comfortable warmth under phil's duvet cover. dan was laying right next to the older boy, his sleeping hands still entwined in phil's dark hair as they slept.

everything was so peaceful and picturesque. dan's eyes fluttered open slowly, a smile dancing on his lips when he saw phil's face in front of him. he listened to the small morning sounds.

phil's soft snores as he breathed out through his nose. the small sounds of tiny birds on the roof of phil's flat building. the sound of leaves scraping across the concrete walkways outside. the... crunching of leaves? was there really someone out there at this time today?

dan checked his phone for the time. _8:00_. who would be out at 8 on a saturday? he slowly and gently raised his head and looked out over the courtyard. it was some lady walking her dog. dan smiled for a moment at the small, fluffy creature that trotted eagerly towards all patches of grass and crisp leaves. _a dog would be so cute to have._

he sighed before returning his head to the pillow next to phil's. as he closed his eyes slowly to return to sleep, he felt phil's arms grasp for him. he giggled and let the other boy wrap his arms around his bare waist.

"good morning, phil," dan chuckled, facing phil's chest and snuggling up to the pale skin. the older boy replied with a grumble and pulled him even closer.

"be careful with your rib, babe," he murmured, trying not to get himself too close to the healing bone.

"it's okay," phil sleepily muttered, his words slightly slurred with drowsiness. "i just wanna cuddle you."

dan giggled and let himself be enveloped into the heat of phil's arms on his bare skin.

"phil?"

"yeah, babe?"

"can we stay like this forever?"

the half-asleep boy smiled to himself and then pulled the other boy against his chest. "yes babe. forever."


	33. Chapter 33

** _stares. whispers. rumors._ **

"did you hear about what happened over the weekend?"

"oh my god, that's crazy. do you know who did it?"

** _mumbles. laughing. hiding._ **

"i think he's in my law 100 class."

"who did it?"

"oh i heard that on friday. is he still on campus?"

** _shouts. cackles. points._ **

"my boyfriend almost got arrested for it."

"did _anyone_ get arrested? if they did, i'm gonna be pissed."

** _talking. talking. talking._ **

"can't feel bad. faggots deserved it."

"they shouldn't have been kissing and shit in public anyways. kids shouldn't be seeing that."

"that faggot works with me in the library. i'm never talking to him again."

"don't know why people are freaking out over it. they deserved it, period."

** _they deserved it. they deserved it. they deserved it._ **


	34. Chapter 34

when dan and phil returned to school, their classes were uncomfortably quiet. the library aides were starting to stare. when dan entered his seminar rooms, the room got silent.

phil's stomach churned as he sat again at the desk in the center of the library. everything was particularly silent and tense.

_whack._

a book dropped. phil jumped in reflex, darting his eyes around and breathing heavily. his heart was in his throat.

his knuckles were white against the edge of the desk and his legs were bent, as if he was ready to run.

someone chuckled to his far left and he saw the person pick the book back up and slam it on the desk. phil jumped again and the person laughed again.

phil closed his eyes and took deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth. his skin was crawling and he could see the goosebumps rise on his arms.

"what's _wrong_, phil? got a little... jumpy?" a voice patronizingly said in his ear as they slammed their palm on the desk near phil's hands.

phil gasped and felt a blush creep into his cheeks and down his back. he couldn't talk as his throat tightened in fearful anticipation. _everything was going so terribly wrong. what was with the air today?_

the boy behind him laughs and slaps phil's back before walking back to where he was doing paperwork.

"don't get too relaxed here, batty boy. you're a bloody freak."

phil's skin crawled and he rubbed his arms in an attempt to get rid of the raised bumps on his fair skin.

_what was wrong with this school?_


	35. Chapter 35

dan sat in the back of his law class with one of phil's hoodies on. people didn't usually pay attention to him, but today, everyone was staring at him. he put in his earbuds and looked at his worksheets. trying to focus on reading was hard for him normally, but especially so with everyone glaring at him. he would look up and see their mouths move. they would shift their eyes to each other and then back to him in the corner.

even the professor would look over at him every now and then from her cluttered desk. he gripped his phone in the front pocket of the jacket and turned the volume up on his music. he wanted to go home. he wanted to see phil. he wanted to lay down in their bed and never go outside again.

probing eyes. lingering stares. probing eyes. lingering stares. probing eyes. lingering stares.

his heart was in his throat. his throat was completely shut. he shut his eyes to pretend this wasn't happening.

why were his eyes flooding with tears?

in a fit of fear or anger, he stood up suddenly, making the desk shake. he grabbed his papers and bag and hurried out of the class, unable to even see where he was going through the tears flooding his vision.

screw this school. screw the students. screw everything.

"phil? are you still at school?"


	36. Chapter 36

phil drove the car at a slow pace, turning to look at traffic before speeding towards his house. dan was slumped down in the passenger seat, looking down blankly at his lap.

"babe. i'm feeling the same way. this day was weird and i still have classes later today."

dan nodded, but stayed silent. the weight of the day hung on them both. everything felt so dark and heavy.

they pulled into the driveway in silence. phil stopped the car and stared at the steering wheel.

"dan?"

"yes?"

"i'm scared."

"i know. i am, too."

that was the end of the conversation. they walked silently to the door and then inside. they still walked side-by-side, but didn't talk. phil went to the bathroom and dan moved to get changed. he still kept phil's hoodie on, but changed into pajama pants and snuggled under the covers of their bed.

the door opened as dan had closed his eyes and he flinched out of fear.

"i'm sorry, baby. it's just me. i'll be there in a second. i-if you want."

dan nodded gently and pulled the covers over his face. soon enough, he felt the covers next to him lift up and then felt phil's warm body on his back.

dan turned to face the other boy and smiled weakly before pulling himself closer to his warm chest. phil smiled sadly as he felt tears on his shirt when dan curled up to him.

he rubbed his back slowly and kissed his head. "i'm sorry baby. i know it's scary."

dan shook his head slightly. "i don't care about myself. i'm worried about you, phil. are you okay with going to class today?"

phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "i don't know. working at the library was _so_ hard today. i would rather just... stay here with you."

something about this energy felt safe to the both of them. the world felt so cold. so scary.

everything felt like too much to handle.


End file.
